The 7-way Party Leader Debate – As It Will Happen

The 7-way Party Leader Debate – As It Will Happen


If you have ever wondered what it’s like to sink in metaphorical quicksand, look no further and take your chances TONIGHT when the 7-way party leader debate sails through the airwaves.

Just like watching a state subsidised episode of Jeremy Kyle, the two-hour long political tour de force promises to inflict headaches, anger and frustration on each and every one of its viewers – without commercial breaks.

To prepare for the action-packed extravaganza, each of the leaders will be given a room catered with sandwiches and drinks. ITV has also allowed the leaders to bring with them five aides each. David Cameron is expected to have all of his aides on zero-hours contracts, while Ed Miliband’s choice of sandwich will be bacon. In addition, the rooms will be equipped with red ‘Controls on immigration’ mugs courtesy of the Labour party. No floor polish will be used in the room reserved for the Ukip entourage, as the word ‘polish’ might irritate the ringmaster of the bigot circus before the big night.

Because ITV has promised all of the modern-day gladiators the opportunity to choose their own podiums to level height differences, we can only assume that David Cameron will be delivering his answers from a pile of broken election promises from 2010. If he shows up, that is. Otherwise he will be represented by an equally charismatic wooden chair from Eton College. As Nick Clegg is already the tallest of the lot, and thus does not need any help in that sector, his podium will be constructed of every successful Liberal Democrat policy from the last five years. To his right, Nigel Farage’s iron throne will be financed by subsidies from the EU’s regional development fund, and Ed Miliband will be bringing a stool from either one of his two kitchens. Naturally, the shipping of the stool will be funded by the taxpayers, which will later be covered by a promise of closing some unspecified loopholes in taxation.

Last week, the leaders’ positions on the stage were randomly drawn for all except for the Green Party leader Natalie Bennett. She will be standing on the far left. Nicola Sturgeon, whose make-up for the occasion will consist of white and blue face paint, will be sitting independently from the others without the right to answer the questions concerning only England.

The audience of the evening, as stated by ITV, will be ‘demographically representative’ of the UK, and thus will mainly comprise of people who are not going vote but enjoy complaining. The selection process for the studio seats is going to be a six-hour long queue, during which weather will be discussed in an attempt to create some small talk. However, not everyone will be guaranteed a place in the audience, which will be blamed on immigrants. This will cause a group of Britain First members to practise their rights of free speech and ignorance from a pub across the road.

In terms of content the night will offer very little, which will also be blamed on immigrants. During the course of the two hours, David Cameron will be questioned about privatising the NHS, Nicola Sturgeon about the Union, Nigel Farage about the other Union and Natalie Bennett on how will Utopia be funded, while Ed Miliband will be asked why he is not his brother, Nick Clegg why he exists, and the Plaid Cymru leader Leanne Wood will be questioned about the meaning of life, because nobody in the London-based media seem to really care what the Welsh think politically.


While completely disregarding the fact that EU migration has brought £20 billion more money in the economy than it has cost in benefits, the male panellists will compete on who will blame immigrants the most. Except for perhaps Nick Clegg who, like Schrödinger’s party leader, will at the same time hold the door open and closed for immigration. Arriving late to the crime scene, Nigel Farage will be blaming immigrants for the evening rush hour on M25.

Nige' taking part in the Leaders Debate Drinking Game

Nige’ taking part in the Leaders Debate Drinking Game

For all of you drinking-gamers out there, David Cameron will remind everyone that he has long-term economic plans (and thus they are not even meant to be working yet, five years is such a short time folks), Nick Clegg will refuse to speculate whether or not he is going to lose his Sheffield Hallam seat, and Ed Miliband will use the phrase “let me explain what I mean by this” way more than once. Also, down your drinks every time Nigel Farage says something borderline racist on live television.

At the end of the night David Cameron, who has been given the chance to deliver the closing statement of the debate, will conclude that the whole show was a fiasco because of the others and that his party has a long-term plan to make it better for the richest viewers.

And then reality will declare nobody the winner. Opinion polls, on the other hand, will declare as the winner the leader whoever fits best the agenda of the newspaper or website publishing the results.


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