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The Bigger Picture Presents: Titanic: The Legend Goes On…

In the early hours of the 15th April 1912, the RMS Titanic struck an iceberg whilst on her maiden voyage across the Atlantic Ocean. It is estimated that approximately 1500 died in the tragedy, with the aftermath resulting in substantial improvements to seafaring safety. In 1997, James Cameron decided to bring the disaster to life in his blockbuster film of the same name; becoming the highest grossing movie of the century, it was roundly praised for its dedication to detail and respect for those who perished. And lastly, at the turn of the new millennium, an Italian production company decided to bring the tragedy to the world of animation—complete with slapstick comedy, cartoon sound effects and whacky shenanigans!

Yes folks, this is a real film and yes, I have really subjected myself to it. Titanic: The Legend Goes On is a nasty little piece of badly made, woefully written tripe from our Italian neighbours who, for some reason, seem to have forgotten that the Titanic disaster actually happened. Widely considered to be the worst animated film ever made (and believe me, that’s a harder accomplishment than it sounds), this is a movie that is an out-and-out insult to not only its audience, but to the people who died onboard the Titanic. Why do I detest this revolting film quite so much? Well, let’s take a look.

First of all, might I just point out how nonsensical the title is? What legend are you talking about? It was a real ship that really sank, not something made up by James Cameron! Alright, I think they mean ‘legacy’, as in the story is still continuing, but that makes no sense either—the whole film deals with the disaster itself, not the repercussions. My word, would it be that hard to get someone on this project who can come up with a title that actually makes sense? Apparently, it would, but in all fairness this movie has more pressing issues to deal with. The animation is so stilted and badly put together that each scene has this odd, juddering motion to it, like they only animated a few frames and then sellotaped them together. The dialogue and voice acting are ridiculous, the music is annoying and occasionally very inappropriate and the whole thing feels like a Disney rip-off.

We’re also treated to a horde of talking animals in this film too. Oh, yippee. They’re utterly insufferable as well. There are some mice who run about getting up to mischief and taking part in unfunny slapstick. I was just hoping we could get to the bit where someone puts rat poison down for them. Our lead, pretty Angelica, keeps talking to some of the mice. I think it’s meant to be a homage to Cinderella, but frankly it just makes her look insane. She kisses one of them too, so she’s probably got some horrible infection as well.

Much like in Cameron’s Titanic movie, there’s a blossoming romance onboard the boat. Angelica, a poor girl working for a trio of grotesque women, falls in love with William, a wealthy bachelor. He’s an odd one—he’s in his mid-thirties but, for some reason, is travelling with his nanny. Maybe he’s not allowed out on his own; actually, that’d explain a lot, especially since he keeps trying to fondle Angelica’s hand. Since she has the backbone of an invertebrate and he has the personality of a wet weekend, they’re absolutely perfect for each other. There’s also something about some jewel thieves and a detective running about the ship too, but it doesn’t really go anywhere.

Look, I’m going to level with you. So far, so mediocre animated movie. It’s no different to any other foreign knock-off film, and the only truly noteworthy thing thus far is that it’s about the Titanic. Or at least, that’s the case for the first twenty minutes or so. For, you see, not too long after we’ve done setting up our small nation of characters, we meet Fritz the Dog. One of the little mice runs into a cat who, owing to his feline ways, endeavours to nibble on said rodent when he is apprehended by the pooch. “If it wasn’t for you, I would now be in someone else’s digestion,” warbles the Italian mouse. Without so much as a beat in between, our canine chum breaks into song. But what music would fit the period of the Titanic? Some opera? Early jazz? Well, how about an impromptu rap number where he sings about, of all things, a ‘party time’. It’s as random as that, I absolutely swear.

By this point in the movie, I’m practically begging for the iceberg to turn up. Thankfully, it does eventually arrive, which results in quite a bit of screaming and wailing, people fleeing for their lives, struggling to save children, husbands and wives being pulled apart in the chaos. There are people drowning, freezing to death in the icy water. Heck, I think someone is crushed by a falling funnel too. It’s at this point that it suddenly dawns on me—who the hell thought the Titanic story was appropriate for small children? I mean, even if we do stand by the fact that the idiots who made this film genuinely thought that it was just a movie, what about that movie screamed child friendly? Was it the bit where the people fall to their deaths down the side of the ship? Or the part where the mother tucks her children in bed, knowing they were going to die together? Well, I’m certainly up for showing my kids that, what a hoot that’ll be for them. God, I hope the DVD comes with a therapist’s number.

Titanic: The Legend Goes On is a foul, rancid and utterly moronic children’s film that serves as such an enormous middle finger to the real people who died, that it is downright offensive. I am appalled that such a miserable train wreck should actually exist, and you may need to spend a long time afterwards bathing in bleach just to feel clean again. Oh, and yes, I am aware of the other two animated Titanic films. I may review them someday, it depends on how brave I’m feeling.

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