Surviving the Campus Power Cut
As night draws in during a power cut, safety at the university is the main concern amongst both staff and students. Parties in the dark, hide and seek in the colleges, and elaborate candle displays in your window may seem like a good idea, but not only are these things dangerous, they are also the very things that will attract the Undead. After all, it’s a widely known fact that when the electricity goes out at the University of Kent, it can mean only one thing: the Zombie Apocalypse. Unfortunately, the university doesn’t have a Zombie escape plan – for some unknown reason – so here are the top tips for making it through the night.
When the power first goes out, scream. It’s not essential, but everyone seems to do it. Also, it is understood that, much like when it begins to snow, in a sudden power cut it is obligatory that you update your status in case it is only you that has noticed. Correct grammar is always nice, but, once again, not essential – Zombies don’t read all those extra exclamation marks you’ll use. However, if you are unlucky enough to get a UKC Graduate Zombie with an English degree, your lazy punctuation and spelling could mean the end for everyone.
If in doubt, huddle around Campus Watch. Legend has it that these intrepid men and women are the only humans completely immune to a zombie attack. When they are first given the job – along with Parkwood riot control and action-movie-style Jeep driving training – they spend a long stretch of time meditating with monks on top of distant mountains. It is up there that they are given the secret to a Zombie-free existence and are rewarded with their ‘Campus Watch’ coats. When questioned about this training, they are ordered to deny all knowledge of it.
Don’t play Slender Man on your phone. The Zombies now crowding all around your college won’t know what you’re doing, but it’s a terrifying game. An additional note: if a friend nearby has a body-tight Morph suit, avoid them as if they are Slender Man. The chances are that even if they don’t get bitten, they’ve already been planning on something terrible. If they are not wearing the suit, offer it to the zombies as a peace offering and offer to pay our friend back with sensible clothing.
Hopefully the power will come back on. If it does, then the Undead will have been beaten and you made it through the ordeal like the brave UKC student that you are! As the lights begin to dart on all around campus, scream again and update your status in case only you have noticed – use whatever standard of grammar you like, people might still judge you, but at least they won’t try to eat your brains because of it.
But, wait, let’s be realistic. After all, not every Zombie Apocalypse has a happy ending however well-prepared you are. So, if all else fails, take the advice of Shaun: go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.