Rosanna Shaw’s tongue-in-cheek advice on this year’s winter may come in handy when the snow finally falls.
Winter is coming! Game of Thrones references aside, the temperature is most certainly dropping. I personally accorded this dip in heat to the fact that we are practically already into wintery months and that’s what happens in winter – you get cold. But no, alas I was naive! According to the Daily Express this will be no standard wintry weather for an ‘Artic Plunge’ is imminent. An icy wind is blowing our way from the North Pole so it looks like we’re about to face the day after tomorrow … today.
Don’t think of leaving your homes, because if you don’t freeze on the spot into an ice statue you certainly won’t have gritted roads, so you can’t go far. I won’t mention public transport as it goes without saying that this shall be a thing of the past, a fond memory of a time gone by when the sun existed. You might even get snowed in! I know I personally don’t have an underground bunker which has tonnes of food stored in it so it looks I’ll just waste away, sorrowfully gazing out of what is now a door, but will soon be a wall of ice.
Oh and don’t get any ideas about snow being (God forbid) fun either. It’s most definitely Judgement Day, not let’s-build-a-snowman-day. Should you decide to risk your life engaging in games that are fine in ordinary winter – foolish as we all know it’s going to be the worst winter ever (okay I know they said that last year but this time it must be true right?) then you’ll obviously lose an eye during snowball combat, or die in a catastrophic sleigh ride.
I’m really doing everyone an enormous service by warning you of the dangers we now face. They did tell us the climate was changing! Hang on wasn’t that global warming? Errr … Well that’s not important. The Daily Express is very considerate in warning us of our impending doom. According to an article written on 19th November, ‘temperatures are set to tumble to […] -4C in the South’, practically the same as the Arctic’s temperature of -23!
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but sadly we all know what Britain’s like when it comes to winter, and its inevitable companion, snow. Rather than keep calm and carry on, it’s more like the end of the world as we know it.
