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Not much to do over summer boys and girls? Never fear, I am here to save you; Here’s a step by step guide to creating your own Late of the Pier single review.

1. In order to properly review a single, you must listen to it first. Unless it is by the Hoosiers, in which case, throw it out the window, and review its aptitude as a frisbee. Listening to Late of the Pier’s new single ‘Heartbeat’ can be done simply be pressing play in the box below.

2. You might want to also comment on the video. I have watched it three times and am beginning to have the killer plot understanding one

gets after watching ‘Memento’ backwards eighty six times. Alas I can’t help you though as these are your original reviews, but try to say something witty, original, and insightful.

3. If you fail to find anything intelligent to say, just do what young Berry does: use the review as a tool for egotistically appraising your self consciously ‘wacky’ lifestyle. See examples.

Fig 1) http://www.inquirelive.co.uk/node/494

Fig 2) http://www.inquirelive.co.uk/node/700

4. To add some depth and sophistication, take a look at the lyrics and scan for deeper meaning and metaphorical gems. Here is the official lyric sheet courtesy of www.lateofthepier.com

“A motion you cannot define

The 20th century shine

in and out for the count

having a shower before the drought

a heartbeat a flicker a line x 4

its just a line x 12

pineapple pieces in brine

fucking around with your mind

a heartbeat a flicker a line x 4

its just a line x 12

a heartbeat a flicker a line

its just a line x 12”

Hmmm, “pineapple pieces in brine”? That’s got to be the post modern world descending into chaos through rising prices of tinned fruit? Oh, you disagree? Well simply write your own interpretation as fact because that is how to get a job at the NME.

6) To polish off your review, some ridiculously hyperbolic sentence needs to be added. Remember it doesn’t have to makes any sense, it just needs to grab the reader’s attention. Here are three examples, two I found in the NME, the other is a Loftian original.

“But it’s just a harmless bit of fun,” you protest? Well remember: that’s what they said about Hiroshima.”

“a chorus so sleazy the Daily Mail could well start a campaign against it for corrupting the nation’s teenagers”

“the American poet Sylvia Plath one wrote ‘dying is an art’, perhaps Editors should practise it”

7) Once you have reached around one hundred words, bang your name, or one you perhaps invented, at the bottom of your mesmeric type.

8) Proud of your effort? Send it to me, cb254@kent.ac.uk, the best entries will be published on InQuire Live in the near future.