“Please listen to these few announcements before entering the exam hall.”

“We ask that you please form an orderly queue before the main doors.”

“Hold your arms outstretched to your sides, and spread your legs a shoulder-width apart. Our senior invigilators will be by in a moment to check you for any illicit materials. Should you be wearing any clothing with pockets you will be asked to turn out said pockets before the invigilator.”

“If you would like to avoid the invasive process of being subject to a pat down, we ask that you arrive wearing no clothing. You will be provided with an official examination robe after the routine cavity search, which will be administered by a certified invigilator with warm hands.”

“Upon entering the examination hall, we ask that you quickly and quietly find your way to your designated seat. If your seat is fewer than 50cm from your neighbor we ask that you inform your nearest invigilator so that your desk may be moved to the proper distance of 55cm.”

“Upon finding your examination station you must don your official examination blinders. These will limit your sightline to the examination before you. If you require a larger size we ask that you raise your left hand and tap yourself on the head – this will communicate to the invigilator that you require a differently sized pair of official examination blinders.”

“A senior invigilator will pass by your examination station in order to examine any fluids you have brought into the exam hall. All water bottles must be clear, and no more than 500ml in volume. Please refrain from bringing water bottles with sip lids. Screw-top lids are preferred, but must be removed prior to the examination, and left below your seat with any coats or spare pens you have brought with you.”

“During the examination, you are expected to keep any and all coughing and sneezing to a minimum. If you are a loud sneezer, we ask you to please raise your right hand and point towards the nearest invigilator with your index finger – this will communicate to the invigilator that you request a moment outside the examination hall to relieve your irritated sinuses.”

“Pen tapping is strictly forbidden.”

“You may begin your exam when the minute hand passes the 12.”

…

“You may begin your exam.”